[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
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So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof