In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
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Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
My Guy
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!