I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
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when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
What
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.