[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
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Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Respect
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!