I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
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Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
This week’s mood.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Just had my nails done!
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell