Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
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Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
They’re on their honeymoon
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.