Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
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Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
You can’t outrun your problems…
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-