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Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.