It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
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“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
These aliens are taking forever.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.