i can’t wait that long
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[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
“you recording!?”
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*