I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
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I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Perfect
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.