Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
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If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?