I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
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hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.