Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
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My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.