doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
You Might Also Like
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Don’t touch that.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.