Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
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It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
But that’s none of my business
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.