Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
You Might Also Like
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
So the ex texted me
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
You can’t rush stupid.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
anyone else like Italian cereal
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.