“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
You Might Also Like
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”