spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
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[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
he was correct
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
O Wise One….
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”