Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
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“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows