Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
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What an awful time to have common sense.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.