Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
You Might Also Like
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.