Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
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New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English