[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
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girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
This hospital has everything
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
How dude HOW?!
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.