Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
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me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
New comic up. “Ransom”
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.