Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
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me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
*offers Batman cough drops*
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo