I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
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[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.