the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
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I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.