If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
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Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”