One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
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A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
ok this is my dumbest yet
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.