Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
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5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Monday
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
HOW DARE YOU
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend