Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
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Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.