when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
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WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
CUTE CAT‼︎
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.