Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
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This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”