me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
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Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
You better watch out
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
I’m dying louder than usual today.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
lmfao come on