If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
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I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
remember
only for emergencies
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Britain be like
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof