Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
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I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?