My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
You Might Also Like
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*