subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
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My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
absolute chaos
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.