Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
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BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.