I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
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DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge