me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
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We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool