4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
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Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.