Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
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I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing