What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
You Might Also Like
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Money is the root of all wealth
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
6. me as a lawyer
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.