*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
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1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁