someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
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“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.