“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
You Might Also Like
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.