My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
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Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
I wish I could veto my bills.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.