Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
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Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
what it’s like dating me:
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace